Let Our Hearts Burn Like Fire!

Yo Girls!

Its been really really a long time since there had been any post up here. I guess its because of all the changes, all the confusion and the problems with all our lives. Didn't expect myself to post up something here again because of that, but Holy Spirit spoke really strongly and i know i couldn't just let it go.

I am especially encouraged today when Zhenhui called me earlier on tonight, she asked me abt God, we shared abt God and she said that for such a long time she had been away from God-to the extent that she almost forgotten abt everything, every goodness that God had done in her life. I am thankful that she had come to realise and have such a great desire to come back and cry out to this Father, whom has been patiently waiting and will always be waiting for her. She had came to realise how perfectly planned her life was..how prayers had came true for her in her life, in her family. I am really really thankful for all that. No words could describe how grateful i am because her words brought me into the light again.

My life was in a mess for the last few months, full of fears, darkness and pain. I almost couldnt make it through. I couldnt understand why i am being put through something like that at such a age, where people are enjoying carefree lives, and without any of such burdens. Why must i be so complicated, why must my life be like that?!

These words carries frustration deep down to the soul and attacked my self-confidence greatly. For a period of time, not long after my O-level oral exam, i could no longer speak properly, couldnt carry myself properly and lots of distractions just continue to spark negative thoughts..My aunt got brain stroke just at the start of my O-levels, went through operation twice and right now one side of her limbs are already paralysed. The family had been rushing in and out of hospital. There are changes in church, i need to get use to all the changes and establish new relationships with everyone again..a place which i totally don know anyone. At that time, there are changes in sch, wt frens, and my family. I know that probably to some, it might just be a period in life. But to me, when i saw all coming towards me at a time n trying to force myself to focus on O-levels, there are just so much fears and uncertainties that overwhelms me...i couldnt tell anyone, because some things are just beyond words and certain things doesnt help even if i tell..i didnt have any energy to as well.

Just when i was about to have the very last paper, i am down with Chickenpox! I thought i am going to have a gd time wt my frens b4 some of them return to China, and some on hols etc. I never expected it to come at such a wrong time. I had to take a taxi from Hougang down to Jurong for my exam, the journey is just so long..for a 1hr paper..i really couldnt understand why it seems that God is fooling me!! When my mum learnt of the changes in church, she had stopped me from attending service, the other reason is due to O-levels and now, i got chickenpox! I cant go again! WHY! Even my hols tickets is booked, but i am like that now!..........

Its the very first time that i have not touch the bible for months, since i came to know the Lord..the bible used to be by me every single day, wherever i go..only till i started packing some books n i saw my bible, my heart suddenly stopped for a while..i don know why i had become like that..i hate it! I started praying again, and during my trip(which thankfully my mum agreed for me to go)God had really showed up..Holy Spirit started revealing things and values, something that never came to mind b4..i was sick during the trip and my mum as well, i prayed for healing for the both of us, with all e faith i have at that time, though i know might not be a lot, but guess what!? Both are well and well enough to enjoy ourselves wt e activities that had been arranged.

I remember one of these nites when i was in pain, God brought a dream, releasing healing to e heart. That morning when i woke up, i could sense freedom and acceptance...for the next few days, i prayed through to ask Him to interpret the dream, but i didnt get the answer till quite sometime later when i heard Him again, that i almost forgot abt it. That's when i saw e picture and route He had planned for me in this season.

I took a lot of courage to finally get to Evangeline, to tell her that perhaps its time for me to leave FCBC, at least for now..when e Holy Spirit came upon me, i sense so much grief that i know its impossible for me to feel this way..i don understand either, i fear this feeling, this grief that it actually gave me strength to do something i usually cant, which is to come clean to a person that i need to leave somewhere i am thought i should be..at one instance, there is also doubts that i could have heard the wrong voice, probably its my voice, probably its e devil's..so i never dare to take out a single step after that..

I remember Sing Ai told me that i shouldnt be carrying my frens' monkey, just go on wt e current cell, not to worry abt them and pray for them and so on..n God could actually tell me to go out there n form a group wt them again? When we were seperated? How can that be possible?!!! I cant do it! I had reservations..so i had never told anyone abt what i dreamt or heard till today. That's why i was so encouraged by Zhenhui, when she told me that she wanted so much to do bible study, go to cell, pray and go to church! Within words, i sense that excitment in e spirit, my whole heart get lifted up again..n i was again reminded of the dream and words i heard a period time ago..i always thought that its just wishful thinking of my part, wanting u girls to attend church wt me, pray wt me and share together..just when i was on e trip, one nite, when i was doing quiet time and audrey sent me sms-es, i just had a urge to send her an sms to ask if she is willing to join me to attend service weekly probably wt a few frens that she knows..but in fact at that time i didnt know if i could find even one or two that's truly willing to..she agreed!

I am starting to see the picture God had painted. Perhaps these changes which are put in place, is just to test my endurance and stretch it to a maximum so that i could be further developed in other areas which i am weak in, such as being positive, telling jokes, sharing funny/lame stuff..honestly speaking, i dreaded the days, how glad i am now that it is already over!:) Maybe saying in words seems easy, but a lotof emotions cannot be felt till e moment u go through it yrself.

Girls, what i wanted to tell u is that remember that no matter how far u had gone away from God, He had never stopped following up wt u, He's been just like a guardian angel protecting and blessing u in a way or another. Take every difficulty as an opportunity. And bear in mind that there is always people ard for u...never never make a foolish mistake like i do, keeping everything to myself, its painful and being alone u will not be able to keep captive of the negative thoughts put in by e devil. Let God do it, give ppl ard u a chance to be a vessel used by God and be a blessing to yr life.

I am not sure how many of u girls are willing to attend church, prayer group..for me, definitely i have no ability to conduct a cell, i am learning-not strong, not firm enough yet. But if anyone of u does share the same dream God had place upon my heart, even if there is just one, i will still be there to pray together wt u, to attend church wt u, to be there to share wt u..because i know its time to face up and take responsibility for what God entrusted me wt, no matter what e outcome maybe. So regardless of whatever peopple is going to say or think, if they are going to lecture me, judge me because of that or i may have indirectly cause inconvenience to them, i am not going to bother nor let it continue to hinder His purposes, i am going all out.

"Above all, let's guard our hearts for it is the wellspring of our life"-Let our hearts burn like fire for God, not only because of He is great, mighty, but also because of His unconditional love shown though His patience wt us, each time when we are just like those rebellion kids running away from home and being rude to our elders.